Chapter 9 Trust

The official starting date of our relationship was October 10, 2007. By the 16th she had hurt me three times and I'd broken up with her twice. The first time she recruited a new "slave" without giving me any warning. The second time she failed to notice when I came on-line. And the third time, after she was booted, she failed to write me any sort of explanation. She had no particularly good excuse for any of those incidents, but she sounded very repentant, and I relented. That set the pattern for the next four and a half months. I've lost track of how many times it happened, but we broke up for good on February 24, 2008.
It was not a good idea to become more than friends with her, but it couldn't be helped. By the time I realized, or admitted to myself, that she didn't have the same idea of love that I did, and therefore the same rules, it was too late. I didn't want it to end. I wanted it to go on forever, and I even convinced myself for a while that getting hurt now and then was worth it. After all, didn't I want to be submissive? If I were really a good slave, wouldn't I take whatever she gave me and like it? Unfortunately, those weren't the terms. What we had quickly developed into something more serious, and equal, and my demands followed suit.
Sometimes, though, when I take it that seriously, I wonder if I haven't lost my mind. Think of the limits of the virtual world: no touch, sound, smell. On the other hand, think of the miracle of words. I know as well as anyone how common it is to get sexually aroused with just words. I did it for a living. Forget the visual aids. Guys would tell me that after they got to know me, they would get an erection at "Hi." Which doesn't make me special. It's the easiest thing in the world. What's hard is real intimacy. And rare. I never felt more myself than when I was with NG. I was never more comfortable, never more sure that whatever I said would be appreciated and understood. She made me feel cute and clever. I tried to make her feel beautiful and elegant. At our best, I think we knew each other as well as two people can.
But our best wasn't enough. I didn't trust her. I often wonder if touch, sound and smell would have made the difference. Would all my concerns, all my jealousy, petty and otherwise, and my rules, silly and otherwise, have faded away if I could have embraced her really and not just virtually? Not that it matters. In fact, it is breaking the rules to even ask the question. I think our mutual commitment to fantasy was a big part of our attraction. It was Scylaa and NG all the way. No "alter egos" need apply. We were who we virtually were, and that was that.